Fear Not

2011 was a difficult year. If you frequent the stories of my life captured, it is not a surprise that I say as much. My 20's have generally been a challenging and exciting mixture of pure joy and deep, sometimes painful, change. I had been warned that my 20's were going to be that kind of season and have heard I'm not the only one who uses these words to explain this decade of life. But as I've reflected on 2011, I've noticed some of my bravery got lost, made a few wrong turns, and my confidence changed how it wanted to operate, moving from a shout to a whisper. I think in a good way....

My dad often recounts a story he remembers of me as a child. As a sentimental kind of guy who finds great joy in his girls, you should know I've heard this story an incredible amount of times... :)

He starts the story letting us all know that I was rather fearless as a child and acknowledges my desire to test the limits at any given moment in those days. So far, you're not surprised if you know me at all. I was very fond of the climbing toy that was our 1984 Chevy Caprice Classic station wagon in cool blue. As a wee little lass, about 4 or 5, I used to make sure the back swinging trunk door to the wagon was locked, used my bony little knee for leverage, and climbed up the back of that beauty, getting myself to the roof. Once I made my way to the top, I'd quickly shuffle on all fours to the main event at the edge of the front windshield. I'd shift my little self and sit right down on the roof, catapulting my booty down the windshield as if it were my very own smooth sailing slide. This would be repeated until the neighbor called my parents, I'm sure shaming them for not keeping the closest eye on their youngest trouble maker. Poor things had their hands full with me as a kid!

Truth told, we had a normal slide on the jungle gym in the backyard, but I needed a bigger adventure! Certainly there was no fear - not even getting into trouble for the umpteenth time.

Over the years, like most of us, my feisty self has gone a little soft. The more I run into rejection, failure, conflict, and pain, the more fear desires to win out. It creeps in through the little lies Satan speaks in shrouded tones. It finds the insecurities that linger and makes them bigger than they need to be. Fear identifies the ways I am not experiencing God and replaces His truth with my ever shifting emotions in my relationship with Him. Fear takes away my bravery, stealing the confidence I know I can have in Christ.

2011 was littered with moments of fear as ministry was labeled failure when God still opened my eyes to some of it's successes. Fear of the future stared me down as unemployment lingered and vocational shifts ensued. Fear captured my heart when grieving life's pains and in anticipating yet another cross-country move. Fear tried to grip my soul from being reminded of the one whose perfect love could cast it out in an instant. Yet somehow, holding on to fear made it sometimes feel like I could control it. Thank God, He is a rescuer.

God sees my mess and nods His head knowingly, understanding what was and what is to come. He's not surprised by my past and has allowed it in my story. His perfect love has given me grace and faith that can be confident in a hope that is eternal, if I let go. Fear has been an enemy of faith, love, hope, trust, and peace. Truth, however, has called me into a deeper trust.

If it is true, and I believe that it is, that He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion, than I can loosen the grip I have on my life and let God take my fear. His love, grace, and truth enable me to dream, rest, and hope in the eternal comfort to come. His work in me will never be done as I need a new redemption every day.

In the meantime I can keep climbing life's station wagons and ask for faith like a child.

Philippians 1:6
⁶ And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

2 Thessalonians 2:15-17
¹⁵ With all these things in mind, dear brothers and sisters, stand firm and keep a strong grip on the teaching we passed on to you both in person and by letter. ¹⁶ Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, ¹⁷ comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say.

Royalty

This morning I was greeted with an email from a wonderful family friend checking in and reminding me of some of God's truth. She had no idea I needed it. She started the email, "Daughter of the Most High". All day I have been thinking, "daughter of the King."

Last summer, I was walking around Disney World with some friends. My friend Laurie had her family in town and they were all there, including her sweet 7 year old niece. For the record, Promise is now 8 :). Promise is in love with the Disney princesses and was keenly in search of her very own Disney princess gown. She made her most important selections and waited patiently in line to meet each Disney Princess, live and in color. As we approached the front, I watched Promise grow anxious with excitement as the fine moment arrived. She was enthralled with longing in her eyes, dreaming to be just like those princesses some day. I mentioned to her dad that I wasn't much into princesses at her age. I just could not identify with their Disney story as I rode my bike and played outside. He told me that he always calls Promise "his princess," and that ultimately it is because she is God's princess.

(don't these girls look like they could use some sweatpants and a coke?)

For some reason I thought about this idea of myself being God's princess for a REALLY long time, and I just didn't love it. As I recounted this story and the things my mind had lingered on, a friend asked me an important question. She said, "well, what is your definition of a princess?" She reminded me that if I only thought of myself as a Disney-defined princess, I'd be a lost cause. But being God's princess doesn't mean I have to wear high-heels, because Lord knows I'd never sing up for that for the long term. It also doesn't mean I have to wear lots of lace or even keep random talking animals around as pets. More importantly, I does mean that I am a daughter of the KING.

Lately, like so often, I have been thinking about my singleness and who's I am as I walk each mile. And this, my friends, is the hardest part.

I have spent many years in my castle's tower as a "lady in waiting." Secretly, as to not appear weak, hoping in fine Disney-form, for my prince to arrive and save me from loneliness or despair. I would have asked him to cross that treacherous moat of insecurity, battle the dragon of depression and discontent, and find the key buried way down deep, to unlock the tower door to my freedom. A tall order for a prince of even the strongest stature.

This year in particular, in my waiting, God has given me something else; what I really needed. Calling me a daughter of the King, His very princess, He's reminded me that my castle's tower door has already been open. The true freedom I desire stands resting in the truth that I am already His. In my mess and brokenness He invites me to the feast, satisfied with my jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers. No longer powerless but empowered in the shadow of the resurrection. He wants me, dragon and all. I am a princess, clothes with strength and dignity because that was His plan. Purposed for His kingdom and adorned with His peace. With majesty He greets me in the morning and I lavish Him with praise as we walk together, the Kingdom at hand.

He asks me to wait for my earthly prince charming with patience and renewed expectation, acknowledging who's I am - a Daughter of THE King.

Will you join me in living out of our significance as Sons and Daughters?


Thank God I don't have to wait in a big 'ol scratchy, lacy, gown.

Time for a New Year Update

I'm far overdue for an update. I've enjoyed updating my blog with things I'm processing through, as it has been helpful for me to reflect in that way. However, real life happens all throughout the musings of my mind! My family got to share Thanksgiving AND Christmas together at my sister's in Austin. It was so nice not to have to fly somewhere and have extra time just to be together. A couple days after Christmas I got to head to Colorado for work (!) and ski. I know, you're really sad for me. Family Camp hosted a camp up near Gunnison, Colorado, at Waunita Hot Springs Ranch. That place is as amazing as it sounds. Gorgeous vistas, soothing hot springs, and lots of wonderful time to spend ministering to and just hanging out with great families. Plus, the skiing was pretty great too. I forgot how much fun it was!

Here are some photos of my holidays. Brace yourself, there are quite a few...I am a new Aunt after all! :) Hope your New Year is off to a great start. More to come on mine later...

Cute family with their new baby girl all decked out for Christmas Eve

There was lots of snuggling to be had

The best mom in town (besides my own:))...and her precious girl!

The Fam...minus me, I was the photographer

Four generations! Great to have nanny with us for Christmas

The mother load...Christmas morning. My parents out-do themselves every year, plus there was a new girl in the family to spoil!

Um...this is just too much to pass up. I love how Gucci has to be a part of the action ALL.the.time.

Christmas dinner...classy!

Love these cool trees my sister found at Target

On the slopes with some staff girls...and yes, I rocked that helmet!

Hanging with two of the members of a great family I met

Our staff for the weekend, fresh off the slopes